Hooray, my practice has now been running for 6 years

Hooray, my practice has now been running for 6 years

by | Jun 20, 2024 | Blog-UK

After losing my partner, Paul, my outlook on life changed. Until then I worked for a multinational company as a Change Manager. I then opted for a different interpretation of my work, by first completing Coaching training and then Grief and Loss training at Land van Rouw.

Many clients have since found their way to my practice. It touches me, how many have made the choice to choose me. Sometimes it was the text on my website, a poem, the description of who I am, my photo, the reviews, through a telephone conversation with me, a referral from a GP or a recommendation from a client. It is both fascinating and interesting to guide people from different cultural backgrounds in my practice. For me, an essential part of this has always been to provide a safe place where people are welcome with everything going on related to their loss.

A completely different side of my work is advising P&O managers (Personnel & Organization) on how to deal with loss in the workplace and guiding support bereavement groups at Humanitas. I also get a lot of satisfaction and inspiration from this.

I am, of course, not standing still. Over the last two years I have been studying Trauma Processes at Praktijk Parabel by Gwen Timmer and I am slowly integrating this into my work.

To reflect on the success of my practice, the 1.5-hour intake / introductory meeting is free until end of September for people starting a new support program.

The bag – An anecdote

The bag – An anecdote

by | May 2, 2024 | Blog-UK

Peter and Claudia decided not to see each other for a while. Claudia needed time to think if she wanted to continue with the relationship commitment at her young age. The separation had done her good. They had agreed to talk soon to see if they wanted to stay together. It never came to that. On his way home, after an evening meeting from work, Peter died in an accident. Claudia was completely devastated. Why? (did it have to be this way)? She hadn’t had time to say that she loves him and that she wanted to move forward with him..

Eight months later, his parents gave her his bag, which had been released by the police. The three of them unpacked it together. Curious to see what’s inside. It contained his books of his work and two deodorants. She is very happy with the deodorants, the smell reminds her of him. There was also a ‘kinder egg’ in it, which made them laugh. It turned out to contain nothing but some mustard seeds. To this day, it is a mystery to her why he put mustard seeds in the egg. She can’t ask him (anymore).

On the way home, she is surprised that there is so much laughter despite the sadness. Once home alone, she puts the bag down and immediately the intensity of the loss overwhelms her again.

Grief can be overwhelming at unexpected moments after the loss of a loved one. Sometimes the trigger is a comment from someone or a memory triggered by something or as in this anecdote, the bag. If you can, don’t push back this grief and let it be there. By allowing it and staying with it, it will slowly subside and some space will be created.
If the grief remains repeatedly overwhelming and there is little to no change in how you feel, it is advisable to seek support in dealing with your loss.

The names used are fictitious.

Feeling trapped in your grief

Feeling trapped in your grief

by | Oct 1, 2023 | Blog-UK

Wilhelm Mundt – Trashstone 531

This sculpture reminds me of that feeling trapped in grief. I shared on Facebook, that I wanted to write a blog about it. I asked readers what this sculpture evoked in them? The responses were very different: ‘If you are trapped in your own thoughts you can feel stuck’. ‘A certain beauty, but caged’. ‘Caged green’.

All three express something of what I feel about this artwork. When you are grieving, you can be so engrossed in your thoughts and feelings that you no longer notice anything about the world around you.

For a while, the world stands stll for you, whilst other people just get on with life. Everyone seems to be on their way to something, some walk quietly and others are rushing. Grieving is like being on the way to somewhere we just don’t know how the future will look, we tend to live from day to day.

A friend of mine, who had lost her father, directed her anger at the trees,it didn’t seem fair because they got new leaves and went on with life, whilst she was locked in her grief.

A loss changes your outlook on life, there is an end to how it was and it will never be the same again. Your life seems to have less colour and even seems to have lost its lustre.

It’s not so strange that after a significant loss you can lose it for a while.
Feelings, emotions and thoughts, which may not have previously experienced at this intensity tend to fluctuate rapidly, yet these are very normal reactions to loss.

Fortunately, we humans are resilient and it can be really helpful to get support to move on with your process, so that you can find your way in life again.

The new year

The new year

by | Dec 30, 2022 | Blog-UK

Another year has gone by in which I shared in the grieving process with many clients. Time and time again, I was deeply touched by the stories of my clients and I am glad that I can provide support with my experiences and expertise.

The new year is experienced by many people as a new beginning. After the winter solstice the days start to lengthen and it is already starting to get light a little longer. A new year begins and whatever your circumstances might be, I wish that there may be numerous bright spots. 

Julie Parker has written a beautiful poem about this.

And as we end this year
We pause and shed a tear
For all we have lost

For those we hold dear
No longer here
For those far apart
Always in our heart
For those who are near
Living in fear

Behold the light
As it shines bright
Even in the darkest hour
Love, our healing power
Will see us through
As the energies shift
And we begin anew

Rowing with two oars

Rowing with two oars

by | Nov 24, 2022 | Blog-UK

Maybe you asked yourself: “what does this photo have to do with grief?”
This is a photo of a corner house in Amsterdam that I regularly cycle past.
When someone experiences loss, they might feel something like waves; sometimes processing the loss & and sometimes working on recovery; like the metaphor: “Grief is rowing with two oars.” This is taken from Stroebe en Schut’s dual process model.

It takes a lot of effort to keep a boat afloat, and balanced in order to move forwards . Sometimes you go round in circles, depending on which side demands more attention. The two oars each represent an aspect of the grief process.

If someone focuses only on the loss there is a chance that they will get stuck there. However if someone is only focused on recovery there is a risk that the grief is being suppressed. It is important to be able to ride the waves of grief. When grief is not experienced and is pushed to the background it can be triggered later on and re-appear.
This is the case for any kind of loss or change; death, divorce, illness or loss of a job.

If you are in a grieving process I hope that you’ll recognize something in this blog that gives you some insight into how you are steering your boat. This varies from person to person and from moment to moment.
If you recognise that you might feel stranded don’t forget that you can reach out for help.

Reflecting on the loss of a loved one

Reflecting on the loss of a loved one

by | May 26, 2022 | Blog-UK

Clients often tell me that it is hard to talk with family and friends about the loss of a loved one; maybe a parent, partner or child. Somehow people want to avoid the subject, or don’t know what to say, unless they too have had a similar experience, then they have a better understanding.

Wouldn’t it be great if this wasn’t the case, if they could just go ahead & talk about it. However, if you have the courage to just go ahead and talk about it, then they often feel more comfortable and the conversation just happens.

I have personal experience of this; A few weeks after Paul, my partner died, a colleague called me. He shared that he hadn’t dared to before as he didn’t know what to say. This was so endearing and nice to hear that we immediately had a long conversation.

Shortly after the passing, there’s room for compassion and sharing. Still, the lives of others continue while yours seems to have halted. For the bereaved the loss remains prominent , especially on anniversaries, birthdays and bank holidays and any other ‘firsts’ that come along. On days like these it is comforting to receive attention, being it a visit, a card or a call.

This poem from Stephen Levine from Meeting at the Edge, Healing into Life and Death, appealed to me, because it reflects the experience of loss.

 

This is the great confusion of a lifetime


To lose a child, to lose a parent,


to lose a lover


To break that mirror,

which has so ofte

n
reflected your beaut

y
and made you feel so safe